Themes are:

A lack of self-esteem and self-confidence are often related to other mental difficulties: Problems with love, relationships and at the workplace. Psychological dysphoria and psychosomatic disorders can worsen with low self-esteem.

However, the very opposite can occur if self-esteem flourishes. Self-confidence training can help overcome depressive moods, problems with partners and other problems. Low self-esteem is the cause of a lack of self-confidence towards the outside world and for a lack of self-confidence in one’s own achievements.

Examples for lack of self-confidence from every day life

"jealously is ruining my marriage":

Kathy wrote: "My marriage is at crisis point all because of my self-esteem and jealously. I am convinced that my husband wants a woman like these people skinny, toned stomachs etc ... I think I look disguisting even though my husband says I´m beautiful and is all he wants but I can´t accept it. He says he feels on edge everytime there is a programme on with celebrity women in. I just want to feel normal and not get so upset everytime I see these women."

"appearance problems":

Timothy about himself: "I´m a teen guy, who is very self conscious and worried about appearance. My main problem is my nose. I think it is too big. It´s not monstrous, but it´s definitely bigger, father out, then your average nose. Another problem is my overall appearance. I always feel like my hair looks stupid and my clothes look raggy."

© irisblende.de

Simon is a forty-year-old department manager. He is intelligent, eloquent and is very attractive with his full beard. No one would believe that his duties as a new manager are too much for him. The social climate in his department is very intense and conflicts arise. Simon fails to intervene in his leadership position as a mediator when they occur. The frequent conflicts upset him, but he isn’t moved to help and lets his colleagues sort things out. His subordinates sense Simon’s lack of leadership and lose their respect for him.

Karsten is 23 years old, a student and would like to have a girlfriend. However, he doesn’t believe that he’s attractive enough. He fears that he may be rejected if he seeks an intimate relationship with a woman.

Low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence – causes and backgrounds

Such unconscious thoughts and feelings lead to insecure behaviour in many life situations and to a denial of one’s own needs and rights.

Why do some people have high and others have low self-esteem? Early childhood plays a vital role according to depth psychology. The more encouragement and approval a small child experiences from parents and relations, the higher the child’s self-esteem. The exact opposite is true if a child experiences rejection early on and is frequently punished. This child will have very low self-esteem. Unwanted children have the most difficult situation. The small child often learns through identification with the parents’ personality characteristics and by using their parents as role models. If, for example, the mother is an over-anxious and insecure person who has little self-respect, the small child can also assume these characteristics.

If parents’ expectations for their children’s success is too high and they see every little mistake as a catastrophe, the child can have the feeling: “I’m worthless because I disappoint my parents and I can’t meet their expectations.”  Both continual extreme criticism and exaggerated praise don’t help to raise the level of self-esteem. If children don’t know why they are being praised, they can’t measure their strengths and weaknesses according to concrete standards of good behaviour realistically and remain uncertain and insecure. Extreme anxiety and inner insecurity can develop in a small child’s personality due to an overly protective or demanding style of rearing as well as neglect.

Later experiences in school and with groups of peers should not be underestimated when considering factors that influence a person’s development of self-esteem and self-confidence. Successful experiences at school –especially in sports for boys – can correct unfavourable early experiences. If a youth is pushed into an outsider role, is often teased or experiences violence, this may have a negative impact on the youth’s self-esteem. Physical attractiveness and strength enable the development of high self-esteem as these characteristics lead to more popularity and social acceptance. Yet there are still many people that have low self-esteem despite their attractive physical appearances.

Women experience higher self-esteem when they sense that they are accepted and respected by others, for example for their outer appearances, but also for their personalities. They have higher self-esteem if they feel well-liked. Men are more focused on doing well in a competitive sense and comparing achievements. That’s why winning in sports plays a greater role in a man’s self-esteem.

Negative conversations with oneself enable a continuing negative self-image

Did you realise that we talk to ourselves a thousand times more than we talk to other people? We can observe small children talking to themselves as they play. These discussions with oneself become more and more internalised and become subconscious, but even when we’re adults they never stop. Through these discussions with ourselves we subconsciously constantly evaluate ourselves – either in a positive way (high self-esteem and healthy self-confidence) or in a negative manner (low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence). Shy and under-confidant people tend to say to themselves constantly: I’m a loser – I’m so unlucky – I can never say no – others are always luckier in life – Those who have difficulties once will continue to have difficulties – Others are better than I – If I’m not a success right away, I’m never going to be a success – Others can’t understand me – I can’t decide – I don’t have control over my own feelings – Others don’t like me – If I say something in public, I’m going to be rejected...etc.

These negative self-assessments are the expression of a negative self-image: While the person in question has a very negative self-image, he or she overestimates other people. These negative discussions with oneself lead to insecure people tending to hold back and withdraw. They aren’t willing to take risks. They tend to avoid conflicts and don’t assert their rights. They pass up good opportunities. They let their partners take advantage of them – even sexually!

Teenage women are naturally susceptible to feelings of low self-esteem due to their delicate developmental stage and being in the process of biological changes that come with puberty. Frequent sexual encounters can temporarily compensate for low self-esteem. However, the teenage girl can still sense that she isn’t loved for her personality – she can be caught in a web in which lack of success, inability to assert herself or even being sexually abused causes her self-esteem to get lower and lower. This can result in dissatisfaction, inner aggressiveness, depression, anxieties and psychosomatic disorders.

It is difficult for people with low self-esteem to control their closeness or distance to other people whether it is in a partnership or in other relationships. That is to say, it’s hard for them to draw a line when appropriate. It is difficult for them to say “no” whether in terms of sex or in regard to other outside factors.

How can we increase our self-esteem and self-confidence?

Different strategies lead to higher self-esteem and greater self-confidence:

1.   Strategy in depth psychology: If we better understand our life stories, how we came to be, we can more easily accept our life as it is. We can better accept our limits. If we can succeed in understanding our childhood better, understand our parents’ behaviour and motivations better, we can better accept our parents and therefore also ourselves. Good literature can help us do that. Often, however, it’s a professional counsellor’s knowledge and experience that will help us most in working through past humiliations and being able to live with painful aspects. Logotherapy advocates that it is important to discover meaning in one’s life story, to come to terms with painful life experiences and to forgive those people who have hurt us most.

2.   Strategy of cognitive behaviour therapy: The destructive inner dialogues, negative discourses and other belief-systems must be recognised and changed. In these negative doctrines, we create a distorted sense of reality and of ourselves. Example: An attractive girl can’t believe that she should be satisfied with her body. She perceives her body as being too fat and unattractive and she suffers because of this. She is constantly comparing herself to beauties on commercials and subconsciously criticises herself constantly. That’s why she feels the need to lose more and more weight.

One could help this girl by questioning her self-doubts again and again, until she forms a more realistic image of herself. Little by little, her negative inner discussions have to be replaced by positive, appreciative ones.

Example for a positive inner discourse: A quick look at the scale shows that my weight is an average weight. I’ve been asked out by boys twice in the last week. I can be proud of that...etc.

Our deepest negative beliefs have often been formed, subconsciously hidden slowly over years. They can often only be uncovered by professional therapists and changed by their specific discussion strategies and other behavioural therapeutic methods.

New experiences and success help change the self-image: It is one of the most important insights of behaviour therapy that knowledge about psychological discoveries is not, in and of itself, enough to lead to an increase in  self-esteem and self-confidence. People have to practice their rights, strengths and talents in real life. They need positive feedback from other people. This leads to a correction of negative beliefs and lets a person appear outwardly more secure.

In psychological therapy and counselling these new behavioural patterns are first practised in a protected environment. For example, an employee practices how he can suitably ask his supervisor for work compensation through an appropriate amount of leisure time. Then the new behaviour patterns are practised under “live” conditions in real life situations. A bit of courage is necessary! The new experiences and reactions from the people involved are then analysed. This work on behaviour patterns continues in this way until the behaviours suit the person’s situation and a level of contentment and security is achieved when dealing with other people. One of the most important experiences: Those who show courage, for example when trying to exercise rights and assert needs at work, usually don’t experience catastrophes, but rather earn recognition and respect.

In the science of psychotherapy (according to Potreck-Rose and Jacob) we speak of four independent categories that self-esteem is built on:

 4 pillars of self-esteem

When has a person achieved enough self-esteem and self-confidence?

If one doesn’t let others hurt oneself, whether in relations with a partner, among friends or at the workplace – if one doesn’t have to avoid conflicts with others – if one can say “no” – if one can make demands without being presumptuous – if one isn’t so dependent on superficial values such as material things, an outwardly attractive appearance or status in society...

By the way, being overly self-confident can also have its disadvantages: one can become narcissistic and this can lead to problems at the workplace or with a partner. No-one is happy to be with someone who constantly claims to be superior. Overly confident people perceive criticism, mockery or opposition quickly as a personal attack and will defend themselves aggressively.

© Dipl.-Päd. Jürgen Bendszus 2010. All rights reserved.

Titel of the original German text: selbstsicher werden

 This site is for information and support only and not a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment.